im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
