i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
zippers are such a cool invention
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize