connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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