ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
