His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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