We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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