I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
