I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
