Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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