I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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