Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
