I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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