Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
