He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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