I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize