woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
