you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
