Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize