Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My vagina is officially offended.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
