I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize