She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
