So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
