I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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