Jerry, you need to find god
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
send nudes
from the living room?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
