I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We have started to decorate penises.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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