did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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