I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
