Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
This beer is not sobering me up at all
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
