She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
