Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
