I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
