I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize