It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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