On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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