he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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