I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
