He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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