Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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