so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
