Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
