How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
