i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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