I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I understand Curling. That high.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
