sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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