i just wanna soil my oats bro
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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