break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
