I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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