Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I supernannyed him into submission
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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