dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
