i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
