I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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