Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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