grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize