it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and she was petting her beer can
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
