When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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