we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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