Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I cannot find my penis.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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