when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
