She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
