my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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