The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
FUCK WHALES
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
