I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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