I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My penis needs a shock collar
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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