I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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