you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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